beach bum

i love the beach. 
most people do, i know, but my love is for real. haha

                                                         jimbaran beach, bali

hitting the beach during summer or for just any weekend getaway is on top of everyone's list of things to do as it is such an awesome way to relax and have fun with friends or family or whomever. simply lying by the beach reading a book, having a fruit shake, listening to music, or doing nothing at all - is divine. 

                                                            la luz, batangas


but to me, there is something more than relaxation when i go to the beach. whenever i see the sun rise or set, and the waters glisten in yellow radiance as it does, and i look at that long stretch of water that seems to never end, and that sound of the waves crashing against rocks or the shore.. it makes me at awe. with our world. with our god.

                                                       sunset at venice beach


this spiritual feeling is always present every single time. no matter if it's at phuket or bali where the tourists never stop arriving and leaving. or if it's at the beaches in california where the kids spend the afternoon playing frisbee or volleyball. even in pagudpud where after sunrise there is nothing but the sea and the fishermen getting ready to do their business. there is a sense of peace in just standing there and watching lives, everything go together.


i wish that i can save enough money so that someday i can fulfill my dream of buying a beach house and spend every single day seeing something beautiful. something that truly only god could have created.

my dad

after an epic weekend with friends in bohol and cebu i decided to fly to manila for my mom's birthday. i think i really made her happy by doing this, and we spent her day having lunch at dampa sa libis and then did a bit of shopping afterwards.


but the highlight of this trip was not really mom's birthday. it was spending time with my dad. great time with my dad.


see, my dad and i were never really close and i know that he doesn't know me in the same way i don't know much about him - aside from the favorite stories that he must have told us a thousand times. dad just always seemed to be a figure in the house. the one who always wakes up and sleeps early. the one who always puts breakfast in front of you and would nag you to eat something before you go. the one who, no matter how much money he has left, would always come back home with ponkan or jelly ace for the youngest daughter (yes, me).


many years ago he decided to stop having rice for dinner and replace that with beer. it seemed to have done well for his health - and i guess for one, when you are able to do what you want to do despite people telling you not to do it, then you truly feel healthy - and he spent most of the nights sitting in the front yard having beer and snacks and chatting with neighbors, or even just sitting still with our dog next to him. from time to time, we'll join in and have a chat with him or simply just have a taste of the appetizers he made (the vinegar cucumber salad and pig ears tapas are awesome!) and walk away as soon as he starts his trip down memory lane. 


if you must know, all four of us siblings were not raised to show too much compassion - we were taught to be strong and driven. it wasn't easy growing up with too much expected of you and with no one really to depend on. mom and dad were too busy figuring out how to find the money to feed us and send us to schools that obviously were beyond what they could afford. somehow, things all worked out for us. except, that we grew up too independent of our parents that we barely know them.


and so now that we almost have our own lives sorted out, is the only time that we can actually look back and realize that what our parents did were pretty heroic - and understand why they did all that before. and with this acceptance, it is easier now to get to know them, and it was such a wonderful thing to do. during these past few days that i spent with dad drinking beer and having lechon or balut or whatever, i got to know a lot about him. 


then it struck me - i am so much like my dad! he was a wandering soul too - very adventurous, sometimes just doing things without thinking of the consequences too much. he said that when you think too much about things and not do them, then you do not truly live. which is something i believe too. i want to experience the world, both its paradise and evil, or i wouldn't feel complete. like me, he couldn't stay still in a single place for a very long time - he had to move around and about. we both do not run out of money, and yet we do not believe in saving everything for the rainy days: life is about doing what you want to do and money is an enabler. why save up for a future that you do not know about and might not be able to control? instead, live for today, and see the world, and fill your heart with amazement and friendship and love - and if it all fails in the end, no one will be able to take away that which you have experienced.


he told me that i am a wanderer - like him - and must continue to be one. and that, alcoholism is better than gambling. now isn't my dad awesome? :)

wandering solo

one of the things i intended to try to do when i quit my job was to travel solo. that is something i aim to accomplish in the next four weeks.

i've had some experience travelling but i wouldn't consider that really as a solo travel as there is always someone i know that i will meet, or i was a part of a group tour. what i really want to do is to just go to a new place where i don't know anyone and nobody to purposely meet, and see how that goes.

i've been reading some blogs regarding solo travel and i agree that i should start somewhere close by. i plan to take on siem reap or ho chi minh first - aside from the closeness to singapore the flights are pretty cheap too. i signed up on couchsurfing and once my flights are booked, i'll try my luck at getting acquainted with a CS member and see if i can crash the person's place and if he/she could help me set sail in the city for a weekend trip. 

we'll see how goes it in the coming weeks! in the mean time, excited about having my ex roomies fly over tomorrow and we'll be heading out to cebu/bohol this weekend. after which, i fly home for my mom's birthday. 

happy people

i like having friends over at my place. sure there is mess to clean up afterwards, and stocking up on food and drinks might be necessary, but i rather enjoy it. there is something sweet about knowing that your friends want to be there at your place. it makes the house truly a home.

my good friends came by last monday and we had the usual eating, drinking, smoking and watching tv routine. but there was something different in the air that night. and i realized what it was - my friends looked happy. they were unintentionally beaming with happiness. 

and when i recognized it, i actually smiled. i was happy too. in fact, i was super happy - knowing that they are happy with their lives. at least, with their current state. and hopefully, forever.

damn straight

and so as usual i did a hiatus from writing because i got distracted by other things which included planning a five week long holiday after i quit my job. that all panned out pretty well, and i have just had one of the most memorable holidays ever.

while the intention was to really get away from it all and have fun, i think i realized now that getting it together is an almost impossible task for me. in the five weeks that i was away, i have only skipped alcohol for three days. i have not watched what i ate at all and i don't even recall a single night that i prayed before going to bed (i think i did ask that i not die during the helicopter ride.. that was pretty much it). i might have done some other things too that will not get anybody's approval as lady of the year, and as much as i didn't care about anything at that point in time, i look back now with a hint of disappointment for doing things that were unnecessary. like slapping a guy at the club, because i was being righteous albeit in a house of jiggling and grinding flesh. maybe that was me somehow saying "i'm here, but i'm not like that". or making so much fun of a person who was unluckily blessed with something extra on her face. it was ridiculously funny, yes, but perhaps at some point it should have gotten old and we should have cut her some slack. 

see, all these reflections after the misdoings sound rather righteous. i seem to feel apologetic and lacking and you would assume this is positive. but then any time soon, some thing will come by again. like another holiday. or another friend who wants to have a good laugh. or another boring night. anything mundane really - and then it's back to old, mean, me. it obviously does not take much to pull me out of the high horse.  

wake

last night i thought i was never going to wake up anymore.

i couldn't even remember what i was dreaming about, but i knew that i was scared and when i wanted to wake up i couldn't move. i knew i was trying to say something to get mr. grumps' attention, but i was mute. instinctively, i prayed. funny how things that you forget or intentionally don't do, suddenly come in handy.

a few seconds after, i was back. i was shivering. i didn't know i could get so scared. i realized i so don't want to die yet. despite those random thoughts sometimes.


****
just saw on facebook that one of our classmates in elementary school passed away. not sure why and when but people had been posting pictures of them with her, and leaving messages of condolence and prayers. whenever someone i know passes on, i always get affected, because i always think that it could have been me. and i could never fathom why, of all people, they were chosen to leave sooner.. and not someone like me?

one step closer

it's almost mid october. there are a few important events that are about to happen in my life.

i'm turning 30. as much as i hate the fact that i am getting old and feeling it, it is bound to happen. i haven't quite gotten there yet, but i know that the other decisions i intend to make, signify that i am ready to turn things around.

i am almost certain at this point that i will quit my job. sure i get scared still, especially when i hear from a lot of people that i know, how hard it is to find a job lately. still, i can't keep let that keep me from taking a break to figure out what i ought to do for work. at some point, everybody's got to stop and make things better for their own sake. it is my time to do so.

also, i've decided to let someone lease my room for a couple of months at least. i'll stay with mr. grumps for the next month and i plan to fly to the US for a few weeks in december and spend the holidays there. i'm excited about it! it's been five years since i was last there, and it'd be nice to revisit the familiar and see something new. 

the last thing that i need to put a halt to: drinking. perhaps i am becoming an alcoholic. last week, i was drinking every single night except friday. it's always easy to have fun and spend time with friends, but sometimes i know i go overboard. most people would say i'm too old to be partying. it is probably true. i can go out and have fun with friends, i don't really need to do binge drinking, but somehow i just can't stop doing so. and that's clearly a sign of lack of control. i don't want to be that. i'll *try* to start going back to yoga, drink less, convince mr. grumps to jog, and hopefully feel healthier and better.

looks like i got a lot on my plate, but well, we'll see.