Thursday 20 October 2011

wake

last night i thought i was never going to wake up anymore.

i couldn't even remember what i was dreaming about, but i knew that i was scared and when i wanted to wake up i couldn't move. i knew i was trying to say something to get mr. grumps' attention, but i was mute. instinctively, i prayed. funny how things that you forget or intentionally don't do, suddenly come in handy.

a few seconds after, i was back. i was shivering. i didn't know i could get so scared. i realized i so don't want to die yet. despite those random thoughts sometimes.


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just saw on facebook that one of our classmates in elementary school passed away. not sure why and when but people had been posting pictures of them with her, and leaving messages of condolence and prayers. whenever someone i know passes on, i always get affected, because i always think that it could have been me. and i could never fathom why, of all people, they were chosen to leave sooner.. and not someone like me?

Monday 10 October 2011

one step closer

it's almost mid october. there are a few important events that are about to happen in my life.

i'm turning 30. as much as i hate the fact that i am getting old and feeling it, it is bound to happen. i haven't quite gotten there yet, but i know that the other decisions i intend to make, signify that i am ready to turn things around.

i am almost certain at this point that i will quit my job. sure i get scared still, especially when i hear from a lot of people that i know, how hard it is to find a job lately. still, i can't keep let that keep me from taking a break to figure out what i ought to do for work. at some point, everybody's got to stop and make things better for their own sake. it is my time to do so.

also, i've decided to let someone lease my room for a couple of months at least. i'll stay with mr. grumps for the next month and i plan to fly to the US for a few weeks in december and spend the holidays there. i'm excited about it! it's been five years since i was last there, and it'd be nice to revisit the familiar and see something new. 

the last thing that i need to put a halt to: drinking. perhaps i am becoming an alcoholic. last week, i was drinking every single night except friday. it's always easy to have fun and spend time with friends, but sometimes i know i go overboard. most people would say i'm too old to be partying. it is probably true. i can go out and have fun with friends, i don't really need to do binge drinking, but somehow i just can't stop doing so. and that's clearly a sign of lack of control. i don't want to be that. i'll *try* to start going back to yoga, drink less, convince mr. grumps to jog, and hopefully feel healthier and better.

looks like i got a lot on my plate, but well, we'll see.

Tuesday 16 August 2011

yayayoga

work has been picking up recently so i'd been more busy than usual. while it's good to be busy and fend off unproductive ramblings of the idle mind, i hate it that i tend to only do work and not have time for anything else. there's always time, of course, but it's easy to let other things slide when work hours tend to be unpredictable.

having realized this, i'm trying to change it by finding time to do other things. like yoga for instance. not only should i really go to the studio and cut my $197-monthly-loss known as membership fee, but it's actually a pretty good distraction. yoga is supposed to help me focus, be more patient, be more healthy, and all the goodies promised in the voucher when i signed up. not really sure i'm explicitly enjoying such benefits, but i gotta say yoga is hard work and being able to do the poses (most of them at least) gives me a sense of accomplishment. not sure though if that feeling is worth paying almost 200 bucks a month for :)

in any case, work will get me busy until end of september. and then, who knows.

Friday 29 July 2011

fingers crossed

after just a few weeks i finally got a response from VSO Bahaginan about my application for the overseas volunteer assignment. I was invited to further my application by completing my profile and was assured to hear from them in 15 days. i was so excited!

of course i know it will take a few more months before everything falls into place, but that might just be spot on with my plan to bum around for the first couple of months next year. the volunteer commitment is between 12 to 24 months. to be honest, i'm not sure if i want to be tied to it for so long, but at the same time, perhaps that's just ample time to really see the outcome of the volunteer work to the people who will be part of it. in any case, i really want to see this through. so, fingers crossed! :)  

Tuesday 26 July 2011

Unemployment Scheme

I am certain at this point that I'm gonna quit my job before end of the year.

I think that while there are a thousand reasons why I shouldn't be jobless, there is one very important reason why I should: I need to be free. I've been despondent about my work, for so long now, and I can't ignore it anymore.

So the plan is to stay just a couple of months more to get my bonus. On the very day that this $ is debited into my account, I will push the paper forward, all three freaking copies of them. I should be out of job by start of December, and I intend to spend the next three months wandering and doing things that I've put off for a while.

I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, and I'm a bit scared of seeing my savings reduced to half (or worse, to nothing), but I think it's something I have to do.

So, we shall find out by end of October!

Tuesday 19 July 2011

Ground Zero

Reading through my old blog, I realized that there had been too many entries on supposed realizations of wrong-doings and half-hearted attempts to correct them. A lot more on sadness and being lost and lessons that I've supposedly *learned* from them, but in reality, have not made me feel a wee bit better than before. After three years, I have changed. But, my longing for a more fulfilling and meaningful life, has not.

And so today I have decided to retire that and start a new one. Call it a transformation project. I hope to one day look back at this first entry, and smile, because I have stopped wandering.

Old Bukit Timah Railway Station

I am clearly not a person who has FOMO because if I did, I wouldn't have just walked past this unpaved and rather remote path many times...