notify me

i am one of those people who get jumpy whenever i get a notification in my phone, so i try to switch off as much notifications as possible. there is one however that brought joy to me whenever i hear it.

it's the my flight notification from the iChangi app.

whenever hon was scheduled to come back home, i always watch his flight so i know exactly when he landed. so i can do a count down on when i get to embrace him again. that sound meant that in an hour or less, i get to see my prince charming who had been away for six weeks, or somewhere for a quick holiday.

i didn't use this app for the past seven months until today. because today, my little prince is flying back home after a month in belgium. and i had the exact same ecstatic feeling as whenever his father arrived. it feels good, to get that feeling again.

weekend in langkawi

when i met honey he was about to embark on a backpacking trip to malaysia. one of the places he couldn't visit for that trip was langkawi, so he kept it on the list. and since langkawi is a mere 90 minute flight from singapore i thought why not cross this one out while lovro is not here? so off to langkawi i went, but only for the weekend.

given that time was limited, my only priority for the trip was to get to the sky bridge because that was specifically what hon wanted to see. my friend jo and i first thought of doing this the day after but since the hotel we stayed at was pretty close to the oriental village - which is where you need to get into the cable car to get up the bridge - it was the first thing we did.

the way up

langkawi sky bridge is a curved pedestrian bridge that rests at 660m above sea level. when you get off the cable car you'll be presented with two options - either climb up a bit more to get to the platform deck or walk down to get to the sky bridge. we went to the bridge first, since it was gonna close at 5:30 and we're a bit out of time. 

it gets a little tricky when you start to walk around. at first i thought i'm alright, but i could feel my knees started to feel a bit jellyish whenever i try to look down. so i guess, you shouldn't do that! the view is spectacular though, so it's definitely worth it. 

don't look down

it was also a great timing because even though we did wait for some time to get into the cable car, the crowd wasn't so bad when you get up there. so there was a lot of room for taking photos without much obstruction. 

we were pretty tired after that, more than we expected. going back up to the station to get into the cable car was a pretty good hike. when we returned to the hotel, i opted for the beach and pool while jo was room-bound. no issue though, i did enjoy my alone time. 

sunset by the beach - never gets old

sunday was lazy day. which originality meant just hanging around the pool and beach area. instead, we were glued to our hotel room watching the truman show. when we got out it was mid-day already and the sun was glaring. which meant great beach photos. we were also lucky that one of the hotel staff is a pinoy guy - he talked to us in tagalog and then offered to serve us some mocktails. why yes, thank you. 

it always tastes better when it's free

there it was. short and sweet. and crossed off the list. and if i could find cheap flights again, i'd go back with lovro. 

lone ranger

i'm not okay.

this is probably the answer to why i can't sleep, why i can't focus, why my shoulders are rock hard from stress. i thought i was doing considerably all right this whole time. until lovro left for belgium.

he won't be back for another two weeks, and every day i'm wishing time would fly fast so i can cuddle my little teddy bear again. it's more apparent to me now that while I'm trying hard to keep myself together it is ultimately my son whom i draw my strength from. him being away from me now exposed myself to my vulnerabilities. my mind cannot be at peace. lovro's presence reminds me constantly of why i am (still) alive, and that is what sets me straight.

for the past few months i tried to keep myself busy in order not to fall apart, and it helped me so far. or so i thought. now that lovro is not here and i have a lot of "idle" time, my wandering mind kinda took control of me. i cannot stop thinking. about anything. i worry about things that normally i can resolve if i just act on them. i jump from one travel plan to another. i do at least two things at a time - all the time (in fact i am working i.e. assisting a developer - as i write this). the most annoying of all is i'm always tired but i can't sleep.

it's not like I'm being hard on myself either. i go for kickboxing class, take a dip at the pool once in a while, go and hang out with friends, even pamper myself with facials and massage and such. but the anxiety just won't go away. i wonder if it's because i'm actually repressing my emotions - because i tend to do that when i get hurt. and this, is clearly beyond 'being hurt'. it's magnified like a million times. but i let myself be sorrowful and just stare into nothingness once in a while too. i'm not always pretending to be this strong girl who can take on everything. i break down once in a while. but i realize there are things to do and that gives me a reason to get out of bed everyday. 

yet since there is no 'framework' or 'methodology' with processing grief i often second guess myself if the things i do are actually helping me. because i don't know what 'helping me' actually means. does it entail doing things that would keep me going? because i do that. i still have a passion to live, to see my son grow up and be a great guy. does it mean dealing with my grief by crying more often or talking about it more? because whether I'm crying or not, i am dying inside.

all i know is that for now, i need my son.

myanmar part 1: three days in mandalay

for months honey had been talking about how he wants to go and visit myanmar. he got himself a nice e-book of lonely planet's myanmar and showed me some photos and stuff about the specific places he wanted to see. i was convinced! so we decided that it was gonna be our next trip - on his birthday.

since he can no longer fulfill this trip, i have shared with his family about this plan. i told them that i intended to take this journey for him, and invited them to join. his parents and brother decided to come along.

i started doing some research about myanmar but at some point i kinda dropped it. (i got lazy and..) i wanted to be surprised. while it's probably smart to read up and know a lot about the place you're visiting so you can understand it better, know how to act when you're there and possibly know your way around, i suddenly had this feeling that i wanted to just see what happens. and my, was i fascinated to get to know myanmar.

first impressions   
while i was aware that buddhism is prevalent in myanmar and visiting these stupas and pagodas is one of the highlights of our trip, i didn't know very well that burmese women - and men - wear very long skirts called long yi. i also didn't know that the white mask they put on their face is because of its cooling effect and is perceived like a make-up - to pretty them up. aside from that, you barely see women wearing make-up. so it doesn't take much to understand that the society is still mostly conservative, something we don't get to see much these days.

people were also friendly and curious - but not overly so. i liked that they weren't very intrusive. they would simply ask where you are from, and if they speak good english, probably ask or say a few more things. you'd also get some smiles from them especially if you smile back, and they would not hesitate to offer you whatever snacks they are having. and even though they are a little bit shy, if you ask to take a photo they'd be very happy to oblige! they are not camera-shy after all! 

the road to mandalay
mandalay was our first stop. initially we weren't sure yet how long we intend to stay in mandalay seeing that there isn't that much to do there (in our opinion at least). but we were pleased with what we've seen. 


our first stop was mandalay hill, one of the top attractions in mandalay. you can clearly see how touristy it is by looking at these photo 'studios' as you ascend. 

interesting backdrop

the perfect model

  
nonetheless it's a very special place to see - it's a popular pilgrimage site for buddhists as it's filled with pagodas and monasteries. 

the long way up

 

huge golden buddha statues

colors everywhere

golden stupas

but not only was it amazing because of these, but also for the interesting people and things we came across as we went up, and on our way down. there were snack bars and souvenir shops with people smiling at us all the time. mams chat up a young lady with a thanaka and she decided to put some on her. thanaka is the white mask i was mentioned earlier that they put on their face for its cooling effect. it is actually the name of the tree in which its parts are ground with some water into some slab until it becomes creamy. 

mams getting a makeover

 
on our descent we were lucky to catch a ceremony called shinbyu - where young boys are ordained into buddhist life. it depicts the life of Buddha where as a young prince he lived a lavish life - hence the boys are clad in royal outfit - but then later on they will be received by the monks and ordained, then they change into their monastic robes.

very princely

it was almost noon when we made it back down. but we didn't let the scorching heat beat us. we went on to visit the golden monastery. this monastery used to be a part of the royal palace (which we visited later in the day) - the last remaining original structure from it. it is also popular for the carvings in its teak wood doors. the only problem was that we have to walk around the monastery barefoot, and the ground was really hot due to the noon sun. ouch. 

glistening under the sun

sorry, ladies

i wasn't very surprised that ladies were not allowed near the 'buddha area' or that section where the statue rests, but i tried to look up the reason behind this. the simple answer is 'due to religious reasons'. the longer answer is that women are seen as object of lust, and a bhikkhu or monk is not supposed to be touched by or be close to a woman as it may fill his mind with lust. however some burmese folks replied (in the forums) that this is backward thinking but out of respect it is still observed. 

later in the day we visited the mandalay palace which was the royal residence of the last two kings of burma. constructed in 1857 the palace had been mostly destroyed during WWII and hence what we see now is a replica (not restored) which was built around 1900s. 

palace grounds

the next day we signed up a day tour around mandalay proper and its outskirts. our driver's name is kyaw kyaw, which i thought was a cool name. he took us to a few interesting places such as Mahagandhayan Monastery where you can watch the monks line up for lunch; Mahamuni Pagoda where pilgrims stick golden leaves on the Mahamuni buddha image; neighboring towns Sagaing and Innwa (more pagodas and temples!) and finally to U-Bein bridge in Amarapura. the day was packed but it was fantastic.

clockwise: mahamuni pagoda; stupa at innwa;  tourist boats at U-Bein and monks at mahagandhayan

evenings in mandalay
so what did we do at night after the day trip is done? well, eat and drink of course! myanmar has a staple beer called, well, myanmar beer! but mandalay has its home grown called, well, mandalay beer! and we tried both of those. as for the food, everything was delicious. our humble hotel is in the city center and there are a bunch of eateries around. there's one right across our hotel that we frequented - and so did a lot of locals. cheap, good, relaxed and unassuming. what else can you ask for. 

barbeque stuff and myanmar beer

washing down traditional burmese meal with mandalay beer

one evening we also just took a stroll to the night market, though we didn't get to buy anything as they are selling mostly clothing stuff and things that appear to be made in china. it was nice to see though, how the night life in mandalay was. it's very tame of course compared to other cities in asia, but like everywhere else the men know how to enjoy themselves over a couple of beers or hard liquor. women drinking in public is not a very common thing in myanmar hence the women we saw drinking were tourists like us.

so after three days in mandalay we felt that we were off to a good start in myanmar and were looking forward to the rest of the journey. next stop - inle lake!

too much in two years

wow. may 2013 was my last blog entry. so much has happened after that. 

a month before i went to china, i met the man of my dreams. i never found blonde boys very attractive, but he was sporting a skinhead then so i didn't really notice it much. we hit it off rather quickly, and by the time i was in china we'd been exchanging messages and doing skype calls regularly. when i came back to singapore he also decided to end his journey in malaysia to be with me. he wanted to make things 'official'. he started referring to me as his girlfriend.

by august while on a short vacation in dubai, i found out i was pregnant. our wonderful little prince said hello to the world towards the end of march the year after. everybody in the family were overjoyed. honey was too young to be a dad, but he embraced fatherhood like a pro and when i look at their photos together, i saw nothing but joy and love. my boys. i started another blog which i called 'cinderella stops wandering' because finally i was home. even though honey and i intended to travel a lot, it is more to explore the world than wandering to find ourselves.

sadly, fate had other plans for our family. daddy went to heaven shortly after our son turned 7 months and i am once again alone but this time in so much misery. my son is keeping me strong, i know i have to be, for his sake. and while i am still finding ways to cope with my loss, i know that one thing honey would have wanted me to do is to keep going. there are a million questions that will be unanswered and there is probably no point trying to find them. but perhaps i will have to wander again to find my peace.

honey left behind a big bucket list - and while i think it will take a lot of faith to finish every single one of them on my own - my mission is to cross off as much as i can. 

and so. i am a wandering cinderella once more.
________________________________________________________________

for hon. i will wander and write again. without you, but for you.