wake

last night i thought i was never going to wake up anymore.

i couldn't even remember what i was dreaming about, but i knew that i was scared and when i wanted to wake up i couldn't move. i knew i was trying to say something to get mr. grumps' attention, but i was mute. instinctively, i prayed. funny how things that you forget or intentionally don't do, suddenly come in handy.

a few seconds after, i was back. i was shivering. i didn't know i could get so scared. i realized i so don't want to die yet. despite those random thoughts sometimes.


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just saw on facebook that one of our classmates in elementary school passed away. not sure why and when but people had been posting pictures of them with her, and leaving messages of condolence and prayers. whenever someone i know passes on, i always get affected, because i always think that it could have been me. and i could never fathom why, of all people, they were chosen to leave sooner.. and not someone like me?

one step closer

it's almost mid october. there are a few important events that are about to happen in my life.

i'm turning 30. as much as i hate the fact that i am getting old and feeling it, it is bound to happen. i haven't quite gotten there yet, but i know that the other decisions i intend to make, signify that i am ready to turn things around.

i am almost certain at this point that i will quit my job. sure i get scared still, especially when i hear from a lot of people that i know, how hard it is to find a job lately. still, i can't keep let that keep me from taking a break to figure out what i ought to do for work. at some point, everybody's got to stop and make things better for their own sake. it is my time to do so.

also, i've decided to let someone lease my room for a couple of months at least. i'll stay with mr. grumps for the next month and i plan to fly to the US for a few weeks in december and spend the holidays there. i'm excited about it! it's been five years since i was last there, and it'd be nice to revisit the familiar and see something new. 

the last thing that i need to put a halt to: drinking. perhaps i am becoming an alcoholic. last week, i was drinking every single night except friday. it's always easy to have fun and spend time with friends, but sometimes i know i go overboard. most people would say i'm too old to be partying. it is probably true. i can go out and have fun with friends, i don't really need to do binge drinking, but somehow i just can't stop doing so. and that's clearly a sign of lack of control. i don't want to be that. i'll *try* to start going back to yoga, drink less, convince mr. grumps to jog, and hopefully feel healthier and better.

looks like i got a lot on my plate, but well, we'll see.