the sort-of unfortunate way to greenland

she took a long, hard look at my passport and my schengen visa, and said "come this way please" - motioning me to step aside - while the rest of the passengers continued to board. 

this air greenland staff was suddenly in charge of my fate and for the next 20-30 minutes my heart was racing and i was simmered in all sorts of emotion. i was angry at myself (was i really so stupid not to check that i needed a different visa other than schengen?) and at her (was she just power-tripping?). i felt defeated (after i spent all this money for flights and the hiking trip, i won't be able to go?) and shameful (what the hell am i gonna tell all my friends and family?!).

after what seemed an eternity to me, she finally got off the phone after talking to someone in greenlandic, and gave me a thumbs up. i was almost in tears, and a very loud OHHHH THANK GAAAAHHHD came out of my mouth and instinctively, gave her a very firm handshake. suck it, you god of misfortune, i'm going to freaking greenland.

****

it was not long after this that i realized the god of misfortune was not done with me just yet. sandwiched between two large caucasian men, both reeking of alcohol, i felt uncomfortable. both immediately claimed the elbow rest, which meant elbows sticking out to my torso from both sides. the guy at the aisle seat (let's call him creeper) started getting too comfortable and his legs were spread out a bit wider than necessary too. it was in these rare moments that i wish to be a smelly ogre so that no one can out-obnoxious me, but all i could do to express my disapproval was to cross my legs and pretend to accidentally hit his shin with my raised foot, so he'd re-consider opening his legs so widely. unless he had balls the size of baseball, i really don't see how slouching like that was necessary nor comfortable.

things got uglier when creeper stretched out and grabbed my knee, pretending it was a mistake and half-heartedly apologized. and then, the final straw came when he pat my thigh, and spoke to me in danish, as if that was the best way to strike a conversation with a stranger. i promptly put my foot down by saying "don't.f*ckin.touch.me!" and gave him what could probably be the most venomous look an enraged asian woman could muster. i doubt that he got scared, but at least he got the message. 

***

things lit up a little bit when i arrived in kangerlussuaq and took the flight to illulissat. it was there that i met up with daniel - soon to be dubbed daddy d - and we took the exit row seats at front and i had a view from the window of the great whiteness that is ironally named greenland. 

not the best weather that day, for the "not the best" travel day of my life

this is in fact the airport

when we landed he received a message from his son jonas that we were to meet at hotel arctic and then head to the yacht together after that - but perhaps either i was just stupid or jet lagged - i somehow managed to convince daniel to go to the harbour instead and drop off our bags before going to the hotel. in hindsight it totally did not make sense, but daniel did not argue with me, perhaps i've got  'i've had a reallyyy bad day' written all over my face, and once we realized the mistake, luckily, a taxi was at the harbour and at an extra 100krona deficit later, we were at the hotel. 

i was thankful that we didn't have to move too quickly because i was too tired, and meant to take a nap, though instead i found myself talking to a friend for a good hour about the recent misfortunes and it helped me relax a little bit. when sofie finally came to collect us, i met peter (who was gonna be my roommate for the trip) and olivier and we took zodiac (inflatable dinghy) from the dock to the yacht. bags loaded, we zipped through the water towards the moonlight II of london, and i was dying to just get onboard. as jan maneuvered, my small day backpack went flying into the water! miraculously the bag floated, as it took a few minutes for us to retrieve it. "was there anything expensive inside?" jan asked, and i replied "no." although, come to think of it, the olympus pen camera of floris is priceless, and i would've been super bummed if it was broken. for some reason though, i was not upset at all, and as i looked at the red wine that was still intact on the side pocket of the wet bag, i lightened up. "well, that wine is chilled now!", i yelled. olivier laughed and said "that's the spirit!"

and with that, i knew that things can only get better.     
   

2 nights in copenhagen

as greenland is a danish territory, the most convenient route to the country was via copenhagen. i've never been to denmark, but with the tight schedule i didn't really have much spare time to check it out. so i allotted just two days for copenhagen.

incidentally paps and i took the same flight to copenhagen from brussels, but he was to leave immediately the next day, and i still had another one. we arrived late afternoon and decided we can probably only do one thing together in copenhagen. i asked if he was interested to see christiana, and so we did.

i've looked up on things to do in copenhagen but nothing was absolutely compelling, to be honest. i posted in the couchsurfing group to ask for opinion and i was told that i must go and see christiana. christiana was indeed an intriguing place to see, what with its self-proclaimed autonomy and a dab of danger with its rather controversial push street's sale of recreational drugs (which is still illegal in denmark, by the way). i've had my share of solo travel, but honestly i preferred to have company to visit this place. i'm glad paps agreed.

we went and walked around, i took quite a lot of photos because everything was just colorful and vibrant. of course there were areas where they were explicit about not allowing photography and i was not going to be that tourist who would violate that. we were lucky that there was a gig happening then - nemoland - some kind of a summer festival. there were a lot of people, young and old, and the atmosphere was pretty chill. we stayed for a few beers. 

the next day paps left early for his flight to ilulissat. i couldn't sleep anymore after he did so i checked out soon after. i left my big backpack at the hotel concierge and went with my day pack. i was going to stay on a hostel that evening, and took what i needed in the day pack. i went to the city hall for the assembly point of the free walking tours. but first, breakfast. i went old school danish. 

 

smørrebrød - 3 for 40 kr at a local supermarket

it's great that in almost all of the big european cities there is always this free walking tours where you basically just tip the tour lead. with groups as big as 25, i'm sure that doing it just for the tips was still worth the guide's time. it was a 3-hour walk, covering a few important places in the city, and was a great way to explore.

we started at city hall, went through the old and new square (gammeltorv and nytorv), christianborg palace, nyhavn harbour with the view of the opera house, and amalienborg palace. the guide did share some very interesting tidbits of information that you were surely memorable. like how the queen's palace in amalienborg has five chimneys because she liked to smoke (?) or that the vikings don't really wear hats with 2 horns - it was just a romanticized depiction for dramatic flair. 

nytorv (new square)

christianborg palace

nyhavn harbour

copenhagen opera house

after the walking tour, i roamed around and ended up going to rosenborg castle. the weather started to shift maniacally. one minute it's drizzling and the next, the skies were blue. there was a lot of putting on and taking off of my jacket happening. 

i thoroughly enjoyed the last place i visited - kongens have or the king's garden, which is really the garden around the rosenborg castle grounds. i loved the colorful flowerbeds and plants and the serenity of the afternoon. 

   
i was finally exhausted from all the walking that day and headed to my hostel called sleep in heaven. copenhagen was not a cheap place to be, and i didn't find it worth spending a hundred or so euros for a few hours of rest. the hostel was quite alright. i took a bed in a 6-bed female dorm. the room was orderly, people were quiet and considerate. i took a nap for a couple of hours and then decided how i was going to spend the only night alone in copenhagen. a few days ago i signed up to attend the copenhagen couchsurfing meet-up, but i was feeling a bit too tired to be sociable. instead, i decided to treat myself to a nice dinner. i went to restaurant kokkeriet for the light set course + wine pairing, but there was nothing light about it. i ended up spending four hours in that restaurant and was full to my neck. it was one hell of an expensive but special dinner. 

you'd think it's ironic that i went for a cheap sleep but then splurged so much on dinner, but i think that this table for one evening was quite an experience and was definitely the climax of this side trip. of course, i can't afford to do that regularly, not even every month :)

the next morning was an early start and off to the expedition of a lifetime! 

i "should be" excited

Tonight i'm flying out to Europe. I'll be staying with my in-laws for a few days before heading off to Copenhagen and onto Illulissat in Greenland. In freaking Greenland. A once in a lifetime trip! Entry number 14 in Floris' impressive bucket list which would have been 27 out of 116 by the time I'm done. 

I should really be more excited.

Knowing myself though, I'm sure I'd enjoy it. There are other people in that expedition that I'd be bunking in with for 16 days, so I'll make the most out of it. And if not, the icebergs would probably pick me up. Hopefully it wouldn't remind me too much of that Iceland trip, that was by far the most memorable adventure I ever had, which unfortunately happened to be with you-know-who. 

I'm looking forward for this trip to top it off, though, because this trip would be all about me. Maybe being away from it all, and being literally at the edge of the world, would stir some sort of enlightenment in me. Maybe seeing the simplicity in life in those remote parts will help me appreciate what I have, what I still have, and aim for getting my life back together.

Maybe. But who knows. It's always easier to be glum and wait for the end of the world, right? 

trinkets

If you know me well enough, you'd know that I like using the word trinket to describe that place where I put my memories - good or bad - that have especially affected me. 

On a day when I feel down, I go to that storage room filled with trinkets, select one in red (the happy ones), open it up and savor the moment again to pick me up, and once satisfied I close the trinket and put it back in the storage room and close it behind.

You would think that any normal being would always only select the red trinkets. But not me apparently. Once in a while I take a good look at the black ones - the ones that hurt the most; the ones I wish to forget; the ones that made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. It's never been very clear to me why I do this, but the one thing I'm certain of is when I do, I'd bawl. 

Maybe I'm a masochist.

Sometimes though, when I know that I'm in the storage room and looking at the black trinkets, there's a voice in my head that tells me to stop. Don't go there, it says. Why'd you do that for? You got better things to do! It is when I listen to that voice and stop on my tracks, and indeed focus on doing something positive instead - that's the Cindy that my friends refer to as strong. That's the Cindy that everybody expects to be. That's the Cindy that gets dismissed with a "you'll be fine" because that's just my reputation.

Perhaps because I know it's (sometimes) necessary to wallow in sorrow. It's good to watch sappy movies about fictional love that conquers all, only to remember that this kind of bullshit is really just meant to be on-screen. Because in real life, love is meant to hurt, and life is meant to suck all the time from time to time. It's what gives meaning to our mortality.

When I look at my imaginary storage room, I can see trinkets of other colors too. There are orange ones from my days of adventure and fun and doing crazy shit. Gray for the ones when I've acted like an asshole towards someone. Green for the ones when I chose to do something right and humane. Many colors, yeah. Because you know what? No matter how shitty my life is at the moment, overall, my life is colorful. It's filled with many moments of magic and darkness and fun and stupidity and love. 

And because of that, I have one thing that I cling to that is the epitome of my survival: hope.

As long as I have hope, I will not jump off my balcony. 

waiting for the end of the world

It was only recently that I've watched the movie The Big Short (which I loooove, by the way) and in that movie they've quoted the famous Haruki Murakami: "Everyone, deep in their hearts, is waiting for the end of the world to come". 

It was so powerful I decided to buy the book 1Q84 the next day. Damn it.

There is a resounding truth to this sentence though, if you're a confused and depressed little fuck like me. That's exactly why I'm here, updating a blog that's been in hiatus for more than a year, while sending my 'non-life changing' date home, so I can sit in a bar by myself and have a moment of 'media' enlightenment, so to speak. 

This year has not been kind to me so far. I've gone through a very ugly breakup. And then signed myself up on these "dating apps" that has been exciting for a limited period in time, and just downright pathetic for the rest. The breakup was cruel, because it just made me realize that no matter how much you give, it will never be enough with the wrong person. It also severely crushed my overly inflated ego, and maybe rightfully so, because I had to be pulled back to earth so I can be on my knees, on the dirt, to kiss the gravestone of the one who, for a short period of time, had completed me. I realized that I have never really truly, completely, mourned over the loss of my greatest love. I had to move on, thinking I had to do it for my son, when maybe I was only cheating mourning itself, because I don't know any better. I just knew I had to get there somehow, and soon.

I supposed I needed to be truly alone, truly miserable, so I can maybe crawl out of my hole in whole (fun puns, yes). Trying to come out of my grief by soliciting the help of others can only move me an inch. Having to actually go through my misery, by myself, and consciously surviving each and every day by choosing to be alive is perhaps the only way out. It sure as hell ain't easy, trust me, I probably haven't seen the worst of myself yet, and I'm quite scared of how much uglier it can get. But no one else could and should see it, but me. There is yet another movie I watched recently called Colossal (which I also looove) that quoted, "There is a monster in all of us". Well, my monster is screaming and bickering and kicking and moaning because its steel arms are brittle and its joints are rusty. I am just so fucking tired of trying to be strong. 

Will I come out of it alive? It's a matter of for how long. All I know is, when I think of Lovro, I fucking try. Until that day, when I'm done trying, then we will all find out whether it's the strong or the weak who truly wishes for the world to end.

Turning Two in Thailand

My parents in law expressed their desire to visit in March and celebrate Lovro's birthday. They've been in Singapore a few times and thought it'll be special to make it a holiday birthday celebration this time. After much thought - and probably as an escape from the long running winter - we decided on a beach destination: Krabi.

While I've been to Krabi a few times I never get bored of it. The lovely beaches, the island hop, Thai food and people. This is one place I can keep visiting and it'll always be exciting. My MIL worried if going back would open healing wounds - since Floris and I spent my birthday there once - but I decided not to embrace sorrow but have a new experience with my son. 

this view never gets old

As this holiday was all about sand and sea we learned soon enough that Lovro hates sand! He won't step on it at all costs, and even when we're submerged in the water he'd have to be carried. Ugh! Luckily he enjoyed feeding the fishes and snacking during boat rides.

fish feeding

We stayed a few nights in phi phi island then moved over to Ao nang beach. It proved to be quite a tiring experience for the poor boy, and he ended up not having much energy to do much on his actual birthday. Luckily a good friend came by the next day and we went for elephant trekking, which he enjoyed surprisingly.

no qualms about trekking

We wrapped up the trip with a relaxed day by the beach, but we were in a fancy bar and Lovro didn't have to step on sand - so he enjoyed it!

All in all we stayed for 6 days and while Lovro didn't enjoy the beaches so much, he enjoyed having all the attention of the nice Thai people at the places where we stayed and dined, and of course all the love from his mama, omi and opa. Probably no beach holiday for a while until he learns to appreciate sand :)

bye for now, thailand!

Quick Manila Visit

Chinese New Year in Singapore gives everybody 2 working days off and so it's always been a time to travel. Last year I went to Bangkok with Lovro, and this year we flew back home. I haven't been back since F's passing, and honestly did not feel like going back to remember the sad memories from the previous year. However, my parents are getting old and wished to see their grandchild more often. I obliged.

ready to fly

but first: snacks

We were greeted with the Friday night traffic and it took us more than an hour to get off Airport boulevard. Luckily, Lovro was in such great mood that he kept telling the cars stuck on traffic to "Go, go, go!" and kept waving goodbye to them. We reached my sister's place around 10pm.

Saturday was the only day that the entire family could get together, so we decided to head on to The Mills Country Club. We had lunch then played bowling and basketball. Lovro was so excited about it! He kept cheering us on as we played bowling and he tried to get his hands on basketball for the first time. We were all tired at the end of the day, but it was pretty sweet.

new toys

hoops

We stayed over for a night at my parents' house. I had that same familiar feeling of both belongingness and detachment, from the place I grew up in. It sure doesn't look the same anymore, we now even have a mall in the next town, which is great because we went there and Lovro enjoyed the bouncy trampoline. I saw my godparent, my parents' neighbor, and we chat a bit. Lovro also wanted to walk around the neighborhood, and I realized I haven't seen some of the houses there for a long time. 

bouncy balls

mommy what is this?

Coming home made me realize how much I don't know my nephews and niece anymore, but I was glad that they're growing up to be great kids. There was also no drama this time, and I wasn't sure if that was because we didn't spend much time at my parents' house or that people were just genuinely happy with Lovro around. I didn't get to spend time talking with my family really, I just had some moments talking to my mom, very lightly touching on the topic that sometimes you never know what happens in life and it could be taken from you instantly. Perhaps in a way, my mom was trying to understand my life as a widower.

In any case, I'm glad this vacation was short but sweet, and especially because Lovro seemed happy and comfortable with everybody. My dad asked that we come back for his 75th birthday in November. Maybe we'd come then.