my own worst enemy

i have always been self-aware. i know my strengths and weaknesses. i know what i need to work on, and what unpopular traits i have that i should continue to be proud of. but that is not enough. knowing does not come even close to doing. 

in the philippines, we have this idiom called ningas cugon which literally translates to flame grass. it actually refers to that attitude where you initiate, be enthusiastic and passionate about doing something only to lose that drive too quickly. this is associated as a common filipino trait.

after i hiked in greenland, i came to terms with the fact that there are things i could do that i never explored in the past that i could actually be interested to pursue, but that also i need to start doing more things in my life. inspired, i came back to singapore enthusiastic about doing nature walks and even planned a trip to climb a volcano. i also upped my workout regime from a mere weekly kpop-x aerobics to kickboxing mondays and crossfit bootcamp wednesdays. i also got more conscious of what i ate, tried to eat less and no rice for dinner. i was losing weight. my old clothes fit again. i was feeling quite happy and accomplished.

and then two weeks ago i caught a viral flu. this somehow led me to think that perhaps i need to take a break, and be a bit more easy on myself. i have also gotten back my appetite, which was dwindling when i was serious on my workout since i would usually worry that eating much would belittle my exercise efforts. then i had a family visit, which is always a good excuse to keep diet and exercise at the back of the mind. and then, this week, viral fever again.

even though i still work out i'm starting to feel that familiar, old feeling of getting lazy and doing things with mediocrity. that fire that makes me put on those workout outfit and shoes is starting to die. and if i don't snap out of it, i'll just be the same old me: mostly bored, mostly alcoholic and mostly mediocre.

i write this so that one day i can look back and remember this feeling and say to myself, i outwitted my own worst enemy. defeat leaves a bad taste in my mouth, so i should not let myself defeat me.